In the bonus chapter I wrote for my new book Complaint Free Relationships, I share the concept of Compassionate Detachment. Compassionate Detachment is the desire to see another person move through their problems without taking her or his problems on as our own.
One of the best ways to do this is to engage a person in a genuine and caring way. Whether the person is an intimate partner, a business colleague or anyone with whom you share a relationship, a caring inquiry as to how the person is feeling opens up communication.
Let’s say you can see that someone is upset. With genuine concern, you ask, “What’s wrong?” or, “What’s wrong with you?” Your intention is to show that you care. Your desire is to build a bridge of communication. Your sincere wish is to be compassionate.
However, most upset is generated from a person feeling that they are somehow out of alignment with their life’s experience; he or she feels lost of disconnected, void of the resources to handle the situation. So, the question, “What’s wrong with you?” puts the focus on their being something wrong with that person. It reinforces their discord.
A better approach is to ask, “What’s troubling you?” All challenges take place in our own minds and heart. When something is upsetting us, it is troubling us. To ask, “What’s troubling you?” shows a genuine concern without implying that the other person is somehow wrong. They are not wrong. They are not flawed. They simply have something that is bothering them and this question open up their willingness to share.
Once this question is asked, we listen. As a former salesman, I learned the “techniques” for listening: face the person, look him or her in the eyes, nod to show that you are paying attention, etc. However, a few years ago I heard someone at a conference define “listening” in a wholly new way. “Listening,” the man said, “is a willingness to be changed by what you hear.”
Wow.
Listening is a willingness to be changed by what you hear. Listening is more than just hearing what comes out of the other person’s mouth. And it is not automatically agreeing with that person. But listening is a willingness to take in and to consider what the other person is saying. It is then taking it into our own heart and checking with our minds to see if there is validity in what they are saying so much so that we are willing to change our perspective.
Consider asking the next person you experience as being upset, “What’s troubling you?” and then listen, truly listen, with a willingness to be changed by what they say.
I couldn’t agree more. so many people ask, “what is wrong?” without really caring to hear the answer or they immediately start to ‘one up’ by talking about themselves. if you are going to ask the question you should really have the time or inclination to sit and truly listen to the answer.