“So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work.” - Peter Drucker

Managing others either at work or attempting to manage our children can be a daunting task. The role of manager has often been seen as a person who sits in authority and watches people like a hawk judging their actions and pointing out their deficiencies.

Surely, one of the jobs of a leader is to make sure that minimal standards are met. And another even more important aspect of leadership is to invite people to reach their highest level of performance. When someone do their best not only does the organization benefit but also the person feels inspired, they feel the thrill of calling forth hidden resources they never knew existed. People grow when they reach deep and do more and this is exciting and stimulating.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to inspire people to move forward and be their best both for the benefit of the organization and their own fulfillment. This requires a delicate balance of inspiration and direction.

I was recently talking to the CEO of a very successful company. He grew his business from a small idea to a multi-national, multi-million dollar company in a just a decade. As we spoke, the told me about the phenomenal growth but shared with me a private source of pain.

“My employees hate me.” He said. “I get things done, sure, but I leave the earth and people’s feeling scorched in the wake of my demands on them. I think we’ve plateaued and may even begin to decline if I don’t learn to inspire people without killing their spirit.”

“What can you do?” I asked.

“I took a trip out west to get away and I learned a powerful lesson there.” He said. “I took part in a real cattle drive. My task was to keep the cows moving but I found that there is a fine line between moving the cows and scattering the herd. After pushing the cows so hard that they ran off in all directions I finally asked an old time cowboy what I was doing wrong. He told me, ‘Don’t drive the cows until they move. Just nudge them until you see their weight shift. Before a cow moves, it will shift its weight in the direction it plans to go so. As soon as you see their weight shift, back off and let them go.”

This very successful executive went on to say, “It’s a real skill to how much pressure to apply to get the cows to shift in the direction I want and then to back off. The same is true with people. When I inspire them to move forward, once I see them going in that direction I feel I need to keep goading them to move by reinforcing my reasons and stressing the importance of their going a certain way. What happens is that they become less, not more, inclined to move. Instead, I need to back off.”

I recently read a book by Sir Richard Branson. Branson said that they key to managing others is to know that deep down people want to do what is best for themselves and for an organization. And, he said, people are universally hard on themselves. He said that what we need to learn to let a person’s innate nature of being hard on themselves push them forward. You simply need to nudge them and then back off.

As a leader in a family, civic group, church or business, greatness lies in learning to urge someone only until he or she shows a subtle shift in the direction we wish them to me and then backing off allowing their own human nature to keep them moving. The movement begins to build momentum. As leaders, it’s not how much we do its how well things move forward and sometimes that is achieved by our doing less.

In the bonus chapter I wrote for my new book Complaint Free Relationships, I share the concept of Compassionate Detachment. Compassionate Detachment is the desire to see another person move through their problems without taking her or his problems on as our own.

One of the best ways to do this is to engage a person in a genuine and caring way. Whether the person is an intimate partner, a business colleague or anyone with whom you share a relationship, a caring inquiry as to how the person is feeling opens up communication.

Let’s say you can see that someone is upset. With genuine concern, you ask, “What’s wrong?” or, “What’s wrong with you?” Your intention is to show that you care. Your desire is to build a bridge of communication. Your sincere wish is to be compassionate.

However, most upset is generated from a person feeling that they are somehow out of alignment with their life’s experience; he or she feels lost of disconnected, void of the resources to handle the situation. So, the question, “What’s wrong with you?” puts the focus on their being something wrong with that person. It reinforces their discord.

A better approach is to ask, “What’s troubling you?” All challenges take place in our own minds and heart. When something is upsetting us, it is troubling us. To ask, “What’s troubling you?” shows a genuine concern without implying that the other person is somehow wrong. They are not wrong. They are not flawed. They simply have something that is bothering them and this question open up their willingness to share.

Once this question is asked, we listen. As a former salesman, I learned the “techniques” for listening: face the person, look him or her in the eyes, nod to show that you are paying attention, etc. However, a few years ago I heard someone at a conference define “listening” in a wholly new way. “Listening,” the man said, “is a willingness to be changed by what you hear.”

Wow.

Listening is a willingness to be changed by what you hear. Listening is more than just hearing what comes out of the other person’s mouth. And it is not automatically agreeing with that person. But listening is a willingness to take in and to consider what the other person is saying. It is then taking it into our own heart and checking with our minds to see if there is validity in what they are saying so much so that we are willing to change our perspective.

Consider asking the next person you experience as being upset, “What’s troubling you?” and then listen, truly listen, with a willingness to be changed by what they say.